


Our Victory Begets Our Suffering

by Eringo94



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Angst like a mothafucka, Bisexual Female Character, F/F, F/M, I'm sorry for the length, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, This is very violent and may not be suitable for certain people, Thoughts of suiside, extreme violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-04
Updated: 2014-01-04
Packaged: 2018-01-07 12:11:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1119677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eringo94/pseuds/Eringo94
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maya Madsen from District 5 remembers the 65th Hunger Games for two reasons. One, she had a crush on Finnick Odair.  And two, she promised her mother that she wouldn't fight in the games if she was ever reaped. She's prepared to fulfill her promise when's she's reaped in the 71st Hunger Games. Until she meets Alexandra Barkov from District 4.  She changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Victory Begets Our Suffering

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is my first Hunger Games fic. I usually write for Avengers/Thor but I couldn’t get this out of my head so… here I am. Hope you guys like it. 
> 
> I don’t know anything about any type of combat- literally. Don’t hate me hahaha. Also, I changed certain events so that Maya fit into the story. Sorry if this upsets anyone. I didn’t change big things- just small little things. Again, I apologize if this upsets anyone. 
> 
> WARNING: This gets really brutal at certain points. If you’re squeamish or easily triggered by blood/gore/sex then this is probably not the right fic for you. Just a heads up.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the Hunger Games.

Maya Madsen was ten years old when she watched the 65th Hunger Games on the small screen of her television. She would always remember those particular games. Every minute detail. There were two reasons for this.

One, she had a crush on Finnick Odair. He was the most beautiful person she ever saw. The first time she saw him on the screen, her heart had made its way up to her throat and refused to come down. She would clench her teeth every time he fought another tribute. She would release the breath she didn’t know she holding and sigh with relief when he would come out unscathed. She felt her heart burst with happiness when he was proclaimed victor that year. 

Two, her mother, she promised her mother that she would never fight in the Hunger Games. Confused, she looked up at her mother, who she had been cuddled close with. Her six year old twin brothers, Saren and Ronan were sleeping on the floor. 

“Mommy, what do you mean I can’t fight?” If she was forced to partake in the games, she had to defend herself right? She had to try to win. She wanted to come back to her family and help her mommy take care of her troublesome brothers. Daddy wasn’t there to help them anymore.

“I mean that I don’t want you to try to win honey. Everybody who participates in those wretched games is a murderer- like Finnick Odair. You become a monster. I don’t want that for you honey. If you are ever a tribute, you have to find a way out of the games.”

“But how mommy?” As young as she was, she knew, like her mother, that once you were reaped, that was it. It was either kill or be killed. Her mother sighed sadly and held her more securely. “You have to let them kill you.” Maya gasped and looked at her mother, desperately hoping her mother was playing a sick joke on her.

“Do you promise Maya?” Hesitantly, Maya nodded. Her mother smiled widely and hugged her close. “It’s better that way. Don’t worry my sweet Maya. I love you.” Maya closed her eyes as her mother kissed her brow and rocked her back and forth.

“I love you too mommy.” Tears silently made their way down her cheek and into her hair. 

()()()

Maya Madsen was nine years old when she began working at the factory near her house. District 5’s production was power and electricity. She hoped that she would see her mother working there, perhaps even work besides her. 

That wasn’t the case, however and so, she didn’t like working at the factory. It was sweltering hot. The sparse clothes she wore did not help. She felt as if she was suffocating. She was constantly wet with sweat. It wasn’t very comfortable. She was hungry too. She only had one thirty-minute lunch break in her seven-hour shift and she was growing tired of eating turkey sandwiches everyday.

It was also lonely. Talking was not allowed. The other boys and girls in her group didn’t even look her way; it was as if she did not exist. She didn’t see her mommy at all. She was very, very lonely. Worse, her mother worked longer hours than she did- eleven to twelve hours for six days a week. She hardly ever saw her mother and when she did, she was too tired to do anything but cuddle.

She hated the factory.

()()()

Maya Madsen is sixteen years old when she is reaped for the 71st Hunger Games. She freezes, unable to do anything. Her heart is beating way to quickly in her chest and she feels as if she cannot breathe. Eventually, someone nudges her forward. She gasps in shock and looks around with her large brown eyes. 

Stiffly, she walks forward, trying very hard to not fall to the ground. She focuses on moving one leg forward, then the other. She tries to control her breathing. She catches sight of her mother’s calm gaze and quickly diverts her gaze. Eventually, she stands on the stage next to escort, Lena. 

Numbly, she looks at the people. They give her almost pitying looks. They don’t expect her to survive. They’re right, she thinks. She almost doesn’t hear the male tribute’s name: Marcus McIntyre. She casts a quick glance at him as he walks to the stage. He’s short and lanky. He has the same chance of winning she does.

Lena claps her hands in excitement and takes both of their hands. “I give you our tributes from District 5! May the odds be ever in your favor!” 

Maya closes her eyes and hopes this is a terrible nightmare. When she opens them, she is still on the stage and her hand feels hot and sweaty from being entwined in Lena’s for too long. She represses the desire to throw up.

()()()

Maya tries to smile as her brothers run through the door and into her arms. She holds them close and thanks whatever force is out there that neither of their names was chosen. 

Her mother quietly closes the door behind them and waits. Maya ignores her and continues to comfort Saren and Ronan. They all know that this is the last time they will be together. She’s going to miss them. She is going to miss her baby brothers. She struggles not to cry in anguish. Ronan begins to shake and she knows that he is crying.

“Hey, Ronan, don’t cry. Everything is going to be okay, I promise. You have to take care of Saren and mom okay? Look out for each other.” She playfully pulls at his ridiculously long hair. He nods shakily and rubs his face of his tears. He tries to smile. Maya looks fondly at both of them and presses kisses to their foreheads.

After a few more seconds, she stands up and walks to her mother. Her mother does not look like she usually does. Her posture is stiff. Her hands are curled into tight fists that hang stiffly down her sides. Her nose is red and blotchy and her eyes are ringed in red. Maya’s heart drops to the floor. Her mother is already mourning her “death.” She doesn’t want to be near her all of a sudden. 

Her mother’s dead expression suddenly melts off her and she takes Maya into her arms and holds her tightly. Maya returns the hug and snuggles her face into the crook of her neck.

“I love you Maya. I’m going to miss you so much.” Maya stiffens in her arms. She wants to shake her mother. I’m still alive she wants to scream. 

I’m here! Let me try to win so I can come home to you!

She doesn’t say anything of the sort. Robotically, she says, “I love you too mom. I’m going to miss you too.” Her mother smiles widely and kisses her cheeks tenderly. “Goodbye Maya.” 

I’m here! “Goodbye Mommy.” She turns around and waves to her brothers. Slowly, sadly, they return the gesture. 

They all jump in surprise when Peacekeepers barge through the door. “Its time.” They grab Maya by the arms and begin to unceremoniously drag her away. Maya panics and frantically twists in the peacekeepers arms, searching for her twin brothers. She sees them clutching at their mother before the door shuts close with a thud.

()()()

Marcus gives her a small sad smile before ignoring her completely. 

Her mentor giggles and pours himself four drinks. Maya knows they don’t stand a chance. Obeying her mother’s order wont be hard.

()()()

The capital is like a beautiful cage.

()()()

Maya’s stylist designs for her a dress that sparkles and shoots out sparks of electricity. It’s beautiful. Marcus’ outfit is very similar. 

They limply hold hands in the chariot. They have to show unity, apparently. Does it matter? Only one comes out of the arena. The applause is thunderous as they make their way to the end.

She remembers to smile and wave.

()()()

The training facility is huge. Maya looks in awe at all the weapons. She wonders which one is going to end her. The thought turns her stomach. They all look painful. She makes her way to the corner, where a man is sitting with a bored expression. 

“Hello.”

The man looks her up and down and sighs. “You here to learn how to set traps?”

There isn’t a point in learning anything, really. “Sure.” The man sighs again. “Right then, lets gets started.” 

For almost two hours, Maya learns how to set traps for animals. It’s an interesting skill to have, she acknowledges. The man is happy she learns quickly and that she actually sees the benefits of having such a skill. She is so absorbed with perfecting her trap that she doesn’t see the girl sit next to her. She yelps in surprise and turns beat red at her reaction.

“Hi there.” Maya looks tentatively and suddenly finds that her mouth is parched. The girl is beautiful. She has blonde wavy hair, sun kissed skin and a slight build. Her eyes are a striking blue. She’s curvy in all the right places. She is a huge contrast to Maya’s dark brown hair and eyes. Maya is unnaturally skinny, as are all the people of District Six. Then again, they aren’t starving like the people in District Twelve so she should be grateful for the figure she has. 

“Uh… hello? Hi?” Maya snaps out of her reverie. The girl raises her eyebrows in mock amusement. “Hi.” She doesn’t know what else to say to her. Again, what was the point? She was going to end up killing Maya anyway.

The girl gives her a large smile. “Oh so you can talk. We were all wondering if you were a mute or something.” Maya’s eyes furrow on confusion. We? She looks behind the girl’s shoulder and sees the others looking at them. Some of them are snickering. 

“Oh uh no, I’m not a mute. My name is Maya Madsen.” The girl laughs quietly. “My name is Alexandra Barkov. You can call my Alex though.” Maya gives a polite small smile. “Nice to meet you Alex.” Alex snickers again.

Annoyance swells inside Maya; she suspects this girl is toying with her. She’s giving the others a show. Well, she doesn’t have to play along. She turns away from Alex and begins to work on her traps again.

“Is their something wrong Maya?” She’s mocking her again. She feels her blood boiling. “Well now that you know I’m not a mute, you can go back to your friends,” she snaps. She wishes she would leave her alone. 

Alex raises her eyebrows in amusement. “So you have some fight in you too huh? That’s good. Maybe you do have a chance at winning the games.” Maya ignores her. 

She hears Alex sigh deeply. She gets up and Maya hopes she will finally go away. Instead she asks, “You wanna go a few rounds on the mat?” Maya looks up suspiciously. Her expression seems genuine, but you can never be sure with a career. Still she nods (why, she isn’t exactly sure). She brushes off dirt from her pants and stands up. She smiles warmly at the man and thanks him. 

Quietly, she follows Alex onto the sparring mat. She feels herself going red in the face again. She has absolutely no idea how to engage in hand-to-hand combat. Her mother would never approve of this. 

“Here, put on these gloves.” Quietly, she takes the gloves from Alex and begins to put them on.

When she is done she turns to Alex for more instructions. Alex is looking at her and she chuckles earnestly. “Okay Maya, so we’ll just go a couple of rounds- sound good to you? Yeah? Okay… uh, have you ever sparred before actually?” Maya shakes her head and feels completely out of her element. Alex nods and sighs again. “Alright, we’ll take it slow.” 

Under Alex’s tutelage, Maya learns the basic techniques of melee combat. “Okay, now give me a strong no- Maya, stronger right hook.” She smirks. “Don’t worry, you wont hurt me much.” Maya wipes the sweat off her face and punches Alex as hard as she can. It surprises her when Alex shows no indication that she is in pain.

“Like I said, you wont hurt me Maya. I’m made out of tough material.” Maya cracks a smile at the joke. “Since you kind of on the short side take my advice- don’t try to block an attack if you can dodge it. Your opponent will tire out more if you continuously dodge their attacks than if you try to block them. Trust me, defense is your best bet.” Anything else she is going to say is interrupted by the bell, which signifies the end of training for that day.

“Thanks for uh, helping me Alex. I really appreciate it,” Maya says genuinely. Alex smiles and claps her on the shoulder. “I believe everybody deserves a chance to win” she responds simply. As she walks away, she calls over her shoulder, “See ya tomorrow then!”

Maya is confused. So very confused. But she leaves the training room with a smile on her face. 

()()()

“Okay, so today we’ll practice with the swords,” Alex says to Maya the next morning. Maya nods again and grasps the sword’s handle and is somewhat surprised by how heavy it is.

“Is the sword too heavy?” Maya stubbornly shakes her head. Alex already probably thinks she’s pathetic. No need to add to that list. “No it’s alright. In the factory I sometimes had to lift heavy things. No big deal.” Alex shrugs and doesn’t bring it up again. She doesn’t have the slightest trouble using the weapon. 

“Right, now when you use a weapon- any weapon, it has to become a extension of you. It becomes an additional limb, so to speak.” Maya nods and grips her sword tighter in her hands. “You can use the sword to block and attack an enemy. Lets get started.”

For four hours, Alex teaches Maya how to wield a sword. It is an exhausting and slow process and Maya is sure that at certain points in her training, Alex was going to give up and leave. She never does, however, and Maya feels incredibly grateful. Incredibly confused too. Alex seems to have completely abandoned her friends. Why would a career do that? 

“Alright Maya, I think you’ve earned a five minute break.” Tiredly, she sits down on the floor and wipes the sweat from her red face. Alex sits down next to her.

“Why are you doing this?” The words fly out of her mouth before she can stop them and she mentally slaps herself. Alex looks at her, confused, and says, “I told you yesterday, I believe everybody deserves a chance to win.”

Well, she might as well plow on. “Yeah but… aren’t you a career? I’m sure your little group of friends don’t want you helping me.” Don’t careers stick together in the games? She certainly felt the weight of their glares when they were practicing.

Alex chuckles quietly. “Those guys?” she tilts her head towards the tributes from one and two. “Yeah, they aren’t exactly what I call friends. I don’t really give a shit what they think of me. In the end, only one of us makes it out alive right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I meant what I said yesterday though. I want to give you some type of winning chance.” The thought warms Maya, even though technically, Alex was just feeding her up for slaughter.

“Aren’t you afraid they’ll target you first?” Alex shakes her head in amusement. “I’ll be surprised if anybody manages to stick something in me. My dad has trained me for the games since I was ten years old.”

“Wow,” Maya says. Her mother never prepared her for the games. If she had any say in things, Maya and her brothers would be banned from watching the games in the first place. Alex’s parents want to her to try to make it out alive. Her mother wants to see her die.

“How old are you anyways Maya?”

“I’m sixteen. You?” Honestly, she didn’t look older than she did. “I’m seventeen. But you hardly look your age Maya, no offense. You look younger. You actually look like my sister Sonya—” 

Abruptly, Alex stiffens and turns away. Confused, Maya asks if she’s alright. Alex doesn’t respond immediately, but when she does, her voice is tight. “Yeah I’m alright. Just fine.” Before Maya can say anything else, Alex gets up. “Uh I’m going to go practice on my own a bit. Have fun with your interview tomorrow night.” She winks and quickly leaves.

Maya wonders what she did wrong. 

()()()

Maya tries to catch Alex’s eye while they all wait for their individual interviews. Alex does a fine job at ignoring her and Maya begins to think that their friendship is over. The games are tomorrow and Alex is starting to think like a career again. The thought disturbs Maya.

Did you expect anything different? One victor and its definitely not going to be you. Still, she likes Alex; she’s the closest thing to a friend she has here. She hopes she wins the games.

“Ladies and gentleman, please give a warm round of applause for Alexandra Barkov!” The audience does not disappoint; their applause is thunderous. 

Alex looks at the audience and waves gloriously. She presses her hand to her mouth and blows multiple kisses to the audience. Maya swears that she sees men and women swoon at the sight of her. Why shouldn’t they? She looks stunning in her blue silk dress; it hugs her in all the right ways. Her blonde hair is left down and Maya is mesmerized by the way it sways from side to side. She looks like an enchanted mermaid. 

“Miss Barkov, you look absolutely beautiful tonight.” Yes, she does, Maya agrees in her head.

“Oh Caesar, you flatter me. Thank you!” She takes Caesar Flickerman’s hands in hers and kisses both of his cheeks. She turns her head and winks at the audience. If possible, they scream louder.

“Oh we just love our tributes from District Four. Is that right,” he asks the audience. They scream their agreement and Alex laughs. 

“Alright everybody, settle down… Now Alexandra lets cut right to the chase. You volunteered for the games am I correct?” Alex shrugs. “The girl reaped was pathetic. She would have been the first to die.” The audience laughs at this. Maya thinks it’s disgusting how they laugh at the prospect as a child being killed. 

Caesar laughs a bit before he becomes more subdued. “But Alexandra, you aren’t the first from your family to participate in the game am I right?” Maya’s eyes snap towards Alex. The whole audience becomes abnormally quiet. As for Alex, she looks down for a couple of seconds. When she looks up, her smile is forced. Nobody seems to notice except Maya.

“Yes, you’re right Caesar. My little sister, Sonya, was in the 68th Hunger Games Hunger. She died in the blood bath,” she says. Caesar nods sadly. “I am sorry for your family’s loss Alexandra. Hopefully we can bring you home to your parents this year.” Alex gives a small smile and agrees. 

“Ladies and gentleman, Alexandra Barkov! Our beautiful tribute from District Four!” Alex snaps out of her daze and waves at the audience again.

Maya tries to process the information she just heard. Alex’s sister, Sonya, died in the games two years ago. Why doesn’t she remember her? She understands now why Alex became so closed off yesterday. She is still mourning for her little sister. She suddenly wants to wrap her arms around Alex and hug her close. She can’t imagine ever having to see Ronan or Saren die on live television.

A tap on the shoulder makes Maya turn around. “Its your turn,” the boy tribute from District Six says. Clumsily, she stands up and begins to make her way to the stage.

“Lets give our next tribute a big round of applause, Miss Maya Madsen from District Five!” The audience claps loudly for her. She remembers to smile and wave and tries her hardest not to trip in the ridiculous heels she was forced to wear. Her dress is an elegant silver color and her hair is presented in a simple bun. 

She is relieved when she finally finds herself next to Caesar. His grip on her hands is strong as he leads her to her seat. “You look lovely Miss Madsen.”

“Thank you very much Caesar- my stylist worked hard on my dress.” He and the audience laughed. 

“How has your experience in the Capital been like?” 

“The Capital is very beautiful. Everybody here is wonderful and always willing to help me out. The showers here are actually very nice.” She sits stiffly in her chair, afraid to move the slightest inch.

“Oh isn’t she the sweetest thing,” Caesar tells the audience. They laugh a little. “Well Miss Madsen, the games are tomorrow. How are you preparing to win?” The audience is silent as they await her answer.

Maya doesn’t know how to answer the question. She looks at the camera and she imagines her mother’s face. I’m preparing to die for you Mother. 

She begins to feel flustered; she feels her legs shaking underneath her dress. Maya doesn’t know what to say. She looks towards the back of the room and catches Alex’s eyes. She smiles encouragingly at her and nods. This gives Maya the courage she needs to look back at Caesar and speak. She puts on a smile and says, “That’s for me to know and for you to find out Caesar.” 

Caesar laughs loudly and takes her hands in his. “Perhaps that is for the best.” He kisses both her hands before concluding their interview. She leaves through the side and goes to stand in the back with the others. The tributes from districts One and Two glare at her. She ignores them and stares at Alex, who is grinning at her. She mouths the words “good job” to her.

Maya grins back and hopes that Alex is the winner of the 71st Hunger Games.  
()()()

Maya cannot sleep. She keeps wondering how it is she will die tomorrow. All the possible scenarios leave her trembling. She wants Alex to be the one that kills her, she realizes. She won’t draw it out. It will be quick and painless. Her promise to her mother will be fulfilled. She wouldn’t become a murderer or a monster. No. She’ll just make Alex a murderer and a monster. 

She covers her eyes and guiltily shakes her head. No, she won’t think that. She can’t.

Maya Madsen will be sixteen years old when she dies in the 71st Hunger Games.

()()()

Maya’s heart is threatening to burst through her chest as she steps into the platform that will take her to the arena. Her entire body is trembling. Ironically, she thinks that she might just have a heart attack before she even steps foot into the arena.

She closes her eyes when the platform begins to rise. Breathe Maya. Just breathe. She opens her eyes when she feels the heat of the sun pressing upon her. She blinks once. Twice. Three Times. 

She is greeted to the sight of a green meadow surrounded by what looks to be a rain forest. She can only see a couple of feet into the forest. The cornucopia is located at the center of the arena. Maya looks around at all the others and wonders who will be the lucky bastard to kill her off. She hopes her brothers don’t watch.

The clock reaches five seconds. Breathe Maya.

Four seconds. Three seconds. Two Seconds. One Second. Run Maya.

Maya takes off in a sprint and runs towards the cornucopia. Someone is bound to off her. Marcus runs ahead of her and gets there before she does. 

He snags a bag from the cornucopia and starts to run for cover of the rainforest. Maya gasps when an arrow embeds itself into his head. He drops to the floor like a sack of flour. She stares in horror as blood oozes out of his wound. 

“You’re next, bitch.” She turns to find an arrow aimed at her heart. That was fast. She steals herself for the pain. It never comes. The boy screams as a dagger slices open his jugular. His blood spurts out of his body and hits Maya square in the face. 

“Run Maya!” Alex screams before she turns to defend herself from the female tribute from District Eight. Dazed, Maya walks backwards until she hits Marcus’ body. She takes the blood soaked bag, says a quick “I’m sorry,” and runs into the forest. She tries to tune out the screaming of other children dying.

()()()

After twenty minutes of nonstop running, Maya feels it is safe to take a quick break. She collapses to the floor and tries to breathe. Her sides are burning and she feels she’s breathing in water. She whole body is slick with sweat. 

She groans in discomfort. She is incredibly thirsty. She might as well lay here and die from dehydration. Slow, but really, it’s better than being gutted to death. Run Maya! She sighs and thinks about how Alex saved her today. She probably wouldn’t appreciate it if she just plopped dead now. She needs to find a source of water quickly. Her legs feel like jelly but she forces herself to stand on them. She begins to walk. Maya cautiously looks around; the jungle always seems to be moving. 

An hour and a half of walking leads her to a small stream of water. “Oh thank God!” She runs to the water and practically submerges her entire head. She drinks the warm water until she cannot take anymore. She then proceeds to clean herself. Once she feels she is free of the boy’s blood, she decides to see what types of items are in the bag. She’s relived the see a water bottle and immediately fills it. 

She finds rope, a lighter, and a small dagger. Not bad. Quickly she puts everything back in the bag. It’s beginning to get dark and she needs to find shelter. She finds a large enough tree and begins to climb it. When she finds a suitable branch, she settles in for the night.

()()()

Maya looks up the sky when the anthem begins to play. Nine tributes are dead. She sighs in relief when Alex’s face doesn’t light up the night sky. 

()()()

The rumbling in her stomach urges Maya to leave the safety of her tree in search of food. She ignores the nagging voice in the back of her head that tells her that a girl meant to die shouldn’t be looking for food. Surely her mother wouldn’t begrudge her some food.

She sets her traps and waits. She cringes when she hears the cannon sound three times. Only twelve tributes live. She busies herself with skinning the small rodent she catches.

“Well look at what I have here…” Maya stiffens and turns around. Her breath catches in her throat as the boy from District Three twirls around a machete.

“I was hoping I would be the one to find you.” Before Maya can comprehend what he just said, the boy grabs her by the arms and lifts her from her feet. She yelps in fear and immediately tries to get free. She kicks her legs and punches his back as hard as she can. In her panic, she doesn’t notice how she drops the knife.

“Maybe I’ll have some fun with you before I kill you.” He throws her to the floor and Maya gasps as all the air flees from her lungs. She cries out again when he kicks her in the side and tries to crawl away. No no no no this isn’t how I want to die. Please no…

When he tries to pull down her pants, she manages to kick him in the face. GOGOGO! She manages to crawl away a couple of feet before he snags her leg and drags her back. NO! “Oh you are a feisty one aren’t you. That’s how I like ‘em.” She screams again. He grabs her face and bangs her head against the floor. She sees stars. She moans in pain as he gropes her breasts. I don’t wanna die like this. Please, someone help me. “You know, you have such beautiful hair. Maybe they’ll let me keep it.”

She begins to cry as he tears her pants and unbuckles his own. “Open your eyes bitch. I want me to be the last thing you see before I take you.” Fuck you she wants to spit in his face. She keeps her eyes clenched shut. She doesn’t want to see him desecrate her body. 

Suddenly she hears him gasp and cry out in… pain? Something wet drips on her face and so she tentatively opens her eyes. She regrets it. In horror, Maya stares at the headless body on top of her. The canon goes off. She tries to find her voice to say something, scream something. All she can do, however, is close her eyes and let her head fall back on the ground and thank whatever force is out there that he didn’t rape her. Her savior kicks the carcass away from her and lets it fall with a thump to the ground. Maya takes in a huge breath before breaking down into sobs.

“Shh Maya its okay. The bastard is dead. He can’t hurt you anymore.” Maya blinks away her tears and begins to weep in relief at the sight of Alex. She rushes into the girl’s arms and if this shocks Alex, she doesn’t show it. Instead, she wraps her arms around Maya and holds her close.

After several minutes, Alex coaxes Maya to get up. “Are you seriously hurt?” Maya shakes her head. She nods and says, “then we can’t stay here. We have to find shelter elsewhere.” Shakily, Maya nods. She covers herself as best she could and hoists her bag over her shoulder. Alex (who looks relatively unharmed) glares at the boy’s body and mutters something unintelligible before she picks up her bloodied sword. She wipes it clean with her shirt before taking Maya’s hand and leading them away.

()()()

They don’t speak to each other as they search for shelter. Alex holds her sword defensively in front of them and Maya holds her dagger limply in her hand. She sees the camera zooming above them and can imagine her mother’s furious glare at the fact that her peaceful daughter is bearing a dagger. She can hear her mother telling her to kill herself right now. Take the knife and slice her throat; it would be painless. She looks at the dagger- its sharp and serrated. It would do the job nicely. 

Do it Maya.

Her hand begins to tremble. Could she kill herself? That would save Alex from having to do it. Besides, wouldn’t Alex be better off without her? 

Do it Maya. You promised me. Don’t disobey your mother.

She brings the knife to her face. The camera steps in front of her and she can imagine how very confused the people of Panem are. The thought of her committing suicide never even crosses their minds. They are outraged, for how could she dare think of betraying and killing the person who saved her from a crazed rapist? 

DO AS YOUR MOTHER SAYS MAYA! YOU PROMISED!

“Maya?” She gasps out loud and stares at Alex, who was looking at her with a strange look. Maya lets go of the knife, feeling as if it burned her. Immediately, she rushes to a nearby bush and vomits in it. Alex is there in an instant, grabbing her hair and pulling it away. “I got you Maya, don’t worry.” Maya heaves until there is nothing left in her stomach. Suddenly exhausted, she falls to her knees. Alex takes her in her arms again and says nothing. They sit like that for several minutes.

“Common. It’s getting dark soon. Not that we can really tell in this place…” Alex hauls Maya to her feet and they continue on their trek. 

Twenty minutes later they find a tree that could easily take their weight. “You think you can make the climb?” Maya nods and begins to climb. Once she is a couple of feet up, Alex follows suit. 

Eventually Maya reaches a thick branch. She settles there and looks for Alex, who climbs up into the branch next to Maya. For the next couple of minutes, the only thing that can be heard is their heavy breathing. 

It’s completely dark now. Maya feels as if she is trapped in a black curtain. She cannot even see her hands, which terrifies her. The only indication that she isn’t alone is Alex’s heavy breathing. The fear is all encompassing, however, and so she grapples for Alex’s hand. She finds it and squeezes tightly. 

She is comforted when Alex squeezes back just as tightly.

()()()

“Still have that lighter?” Alex asks quietly. Maya nods and searches through the bag. She finds it and turns in on, feeling stupid for not thinking of it earlier. Dimly she sees Alex, who grins at her. 

“Nice to see your face again Maya.” Maya quietly chuckles, relieved to see her face as well. When illuminated in the fires glow, Alex’s face looked even more beautiful. 

“Got any water in there?” Maya nods and hands her the bottle of water. She watches how tiny droplets of water spill down her chin in her haste and she cant help but want to lick them away. She blushes bright red at the thought.

Once Alex drinks her fill, she leans back against the tree and sighs heavily. Maya drinks some water and then puts it away. What were they suppose to do now? 

“Thank you,” she murmurs quietly. The only reason she’s alive is because of the girl sitting next to her. Even though she really should have died twice now. “You don’t have to thank me Maya. Nobody deserves what he was about to do to you. If that’s what they teach their boys in District Three, they’re fucking sick bastards.”

Maya agrees silently. “Even before that though- the boy near the cornucopia. He would have killed me.” Alex doesn’t say anything. Either way, Maya is eternally grateful to her friend. 

Maya decides to change the subject; she doesn’t want to talk about the wretched games anymore. “What’s the best part about your district?” she asks randomly. Alex closes her eyes and smiles when she speaks. Maya likes how it reaches her eyes.

“The beach. The sand is soft- Its almost like you’re sleeping on a cloud. The water, when it’s gentle, can lull you to sleep.” Maya watches Alex and yearns to be where she is right now. 

“The smell of the sea is always a comfort. It’s crisp and fresh. I love swimming- it always feels as if I’m flying.” Maya laughs and says, “but you’ve never flown before Alex.”

Alex slowly opens her eyes and gazes at her. “Ah buts it’s the closest thing I’ll ever get to flying.” Maya feels her cheeks reddening again so she turns her head away and coughs.

As if to remind them where they were, the canon goes off three times. Maya flinches with every piercing sound it makes. Three more dead. That made a total of sixteen dead. She doesn’t look at their faces in the sky. 

“Tell me about five.” She thought it was funny how Alex was trying to distract her. And touching. “There’s nothing really special about it. We all have to work in the factory when we turn nine years old. It sucks.”

“Do you have any family?” This time Maya smiles. “I have twin brothers- Saren and Ronan. They’re both troublemakers. But they’re amazing. They’re my whole world- I miss them a lot” She hopes Alex doesn’t bring up her mother. She doesn’t want to talk about her.

Alex smiles a little and looks away. Maya knows immediately that she’s thinking about her own dead sister and she feels her heart tear a little. “Listen, Alex… I’m really sorry about your sister. It must have been so terrible for you.”

She does not expect the sudden cruel laugh that explodes out of Alex’s mouth. She snatches her hand out of her grip and begins to shake her head. 

“Don’t Maya,” she says harshly. Maya looks at Alex in surprise. She looks at her hunched form, the subtle trembling in the hands, and sees the signs of a gut wrenching guilt. She knows she should listen to her, to let the subject go. But she can’t. She cannot, in good conscience, let Alex wallow in her guilt. She rushes to get out what she has to say before Alex could tell her to shut up.

“Alex- it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t the one who killed her—”

“I might as well have!” she snarls. Maya stops midway, her mouth suddenly dry. What?

Alex puts her face in her hands, ashamed. When she speaks, it’s so quietly that Maya has to lean in to hear her. “It’s my fault she’s dead Maya. I told you that my father trained me for the games since I was ten years old. My sister was a gentle girl- couldn’t imagine ever hurting another person. She loved with everything she had.” Maya keeps quiet as Alex speaks and has a sick feeling she knows where this is heading.

“I was ready for the games- even at fourteen. So when my sister was reaped, everybody expected me to volunteer for.” Oh Alex. She can’t imagine living with that type of burden.

She begins to gasp for breath. She grips her hair tightly in her hands and clenches her eyes shut. The tears, however, still make their way down her cheeks. “I couldn’t Maya. I just couldn’t. They said her name and I froze. I was suddenly so scared. A fucking coward. All my training went right out the window at that moment. I tried to say the words to save my sister b-but I-I, I jus-t—” She is sobbing at this point. Maya feels her own tears streaming down her face.

“My sister took a bludgeon to the head. It was an instant death- she never stood a chance. She was only twelve years old. I had a chance at coming home alive and I let my sister die instead. Mom couldn’t look me in the eye for a whole year. My dad… dad went into a deep depression. All because of me… They probably hated me!”

Alex glares at Maya then and says, “I didn’t help Sonya when she needed me most. I’m a t-terrible s-s-sister. It should have been me that died! Not her- not my s-sweet little Sonya! Oh Sonya!” 

She screams then, unable to keep her agony bubbled up inside anymore. Maya does not hesitate to grab Alex and hug her close. She wraps her arms around her and presses Alex close to her chest. Alex struggles at first, believing herself undeserving of the comfort. Her exhaustion wins, however, and she leans into Maya. She begins to cry in earnest. 

Maya says nothing, for nothing will provide Alex with the absolution she craves. She sees herself as Sonya’s executioner. Oh Alex, if only I can show you how amazing a person you really are. The urge to comfort her is so strong that, without thinking about what exactly she’s doing, she places her hands on either side of Alex’s face and kisses her.

Alex stiffens at the contact, probably in shock. Ashamed, Maya begins to pull away. Suddenly, however, Maya feels hands gently grab her hair and neck and pull her closer. Alex kisses her more deeply and Maya loves the sensation of her lips on her own; they are raw and chapped- like hers. The kiss itself is rather awkward and sloppy. But it’s the best feeling she’s ever had. Her tongue is soft and wet against hers and she involuntarily moans. 

The need for air becomes dire and Maya breaks away. But she doesn’t let go of Alex. She holds her closer (if its possible) and kisses away her tears. Alex sighs in contentment. She puts her head on Maya’s chest and stays there.

“That’s why you volunteered for that little girl,” Maya states quietly. To try to ease the guilt and pain she feels for not saving her sister. “I couldn’t let her end up like Sonya,” she whispers. 

“She would be proud of you Alex. I would be.” Alex releases a shaky breath. “Thank you.” Maya smiles. For once, she could be strong for Alex. Alex closes her eyes and listens to the strong beat of Maya’s heart. 

It’s a while before Alex speaks again. “You’re just like her- kind, gentle, compassionate. She was a great listener just like you. Always got me to tell her what was wrong and never judged. Don’t ever change Maya. Don’t ever change.”

She kisses her forehead again. “I wont,” Maya whispers. She closes her eyes and falls asleep with Alex in her arms.

()()()

They awaken to two parachutes hanging from one of the other branches. Inside they find some cheese and warm bread and a canteen of chicken soup. They split it and devour it. It feels good to have food inside their stomachs. 

Once completely sated, Alex tells Maya that they should keep moving. Maya nods and quickly sips some water before giving the bottle to Alex. She drinks a little before putting the bottle into the bag. They begin their descend down to the forest floor. They look up and barely see the sun though the heavy branches. 

“Lets go- there’s still six tributes alive.” Alex draws out her sword, eying the jungle critically for any sudden movement. Alex grabs her hand and pulls her towards her. “Common- I have a really bad feeling about today.”

()()()

“YOU PROMISED ME MAYA!”

Maya stops moving, horror paralyzing her. They both stop and look at each other. Alex has a confused look on her face.

“LISTEN TO ME MAYA!”

“Oh please stop!” Maya drops to her knees and covers her ears with her hands. She clenches her eyes shut and wills her mother’s voice to go away.

“MONSTER MONSTER MONSTER”

“STOP!” She vaguely feels hands on her face, a voice screaming at her, but its nothing to the voice of her demanding mother.

“MAYA! IT’S ME, ALEX!” She snaps her eyes open and sees Alex’s fearful face. She wails in relief then and sinks forward, wrapping her arms around Alex. She immediately wraps her arms around Maya and puts their foreheads together. 

“Shh Maya, it was just a Jabberjay. I got you.” Maya moans in despair. No, it wasn’t just a Jabberjay. This was a message from her mother- she knew it. “I’m not a monster, I’m not please stop calling me that—” 

“What?” Maya cringes at her shocked tone. Maya sobs outright and grabs Alex’s arms. “Kill me Alex please! I know it’s selfish to ask you to be a monster, I know and I’m so sorry but please just ki—”

“Are you crazy!? I’m not going to kill you! You’re not a monster Maya, who the hell—”

“NO! Please Alex, just kill me and you can win! You’ll win and please, your parents will forgive you, everyone will forgive you! Go h-home to your family!” she stammers as Alex’s eyes go wide with shock. “Please I’m sorry, but I can’t be a monster.” She has to make her understand. She has to.

Alex grips her face tightly in her hands. “I don’t know who the fuck put those inane thoughts in your head, or even why they put them in your head, but they’re wrong! You hear me? You’re not a monster- you’re good! You’re good! I could never kill you Maya—”

“I hope we aren’t interrupting you two lovebirds.” 

Alex whirls around and puts herself in front of Maya, shielding her. The two tributes from District One and the boy from District Two begin to spread out, surrounding them. Alex grips her sword more tightly, trying desperately to think of a plan.

“You know, it’s a shame you decided to side with this bitch Alex. We could have worked something out,” the boy from one says, eyeing her like candy. Alex smiles evilly. “You aren’t my type honey. So sorry. I’m sure she’s dying for your cock though.” 

“Go to hell!” the girl screams. Alex laughs mockingly.

“Common Mark, we can take em’ both,” the boy from two says. Maya is trembling behind Alex. 

Mark ignores his friend and addresses Alex. “Listen, why don’t you leave us this cunt and we’ll give you a head start- that sound good to you?” he asks. Please Alex, just go. Win!

“Come near us and I swear I’ll slice you into pieces,” Alex threatens, holding out her sword. The girl laughs obnoxiously and bears her ax. The boy from two takes out two daggers, his eyes gleaming at the prospect of spilling new blood. 

Mark sighs is exasperated disbelief before taking out his sword. “Couldn’t say we didn’t warn you.” With that they charge towards them. 

Alex pushes Maya out of harms way and steps forward to meet their attacks. Maya watches in mute horror and astonishment as Alex expertly handles the three of them. She sees their features morph from smugness to anger and frustration. Her father really did teach her how to fight.

Alex blocks an attack from Mark and kicks him hard in the chest. As he falls over, the boy from two punches her hard in the stomach. She hisses in pain but recovers quickly and retaliates. She cuts his hand deeply with her sword and relishes the shriek of pain he makes.

The girl snarls and jumps on Alex. They both fall in a heap on the floor, spitting, pulling and punching. The girl screams loudly, painfully, as Alex successfully scratches out her eyes. She falls backwards, grabbing at her eyeless sockets. Blood runs in torrents down her face. Alex silences her with a sword to her chest. 

“YOU BITCH, I’LL KILL YOU!” Mark comes at her again, picking up the girls ax. Alex uses her sword to block his attack. Maya watches and cringes when he manages to cut her shoulder. Watch out Alex, please be careful don’t die don’t die don’t d—”

Deep, unimaginable pain, a pain she has never felt before, courses through her left leg. She screams in agony and looks down to see a knife embedded in her thigh. She distantly hears Alex call out her name over the ringing in her ears. Trembling, she attempts to take it out.

“Oh no you don’t.” Suddenly hands are around her throat, choking her. She makes an unidentified noise and attempts to get the boy from two off. She scratches at his hands and kicks with her uninjured foot. She looks towards Alex just in time to see Mark grab her by her hair and throw her towards a tree. She’s struggling to get up. Alex get up get up get up

Maya attempts to scream; saliva drools out of her mouth. She looks towards the knife in her thigh and knows what she has to do to survive. 

Don’t do it Maya. You promised me. Don’t be a monster. 

I have to save Alex mom. I can save her, please!

Monster!

No, mom please—

Black spots begin to cloud her vision.

MONSTER! 

I HAVE TO SAVE ALEX!

The boy is so preoccupied with her neck that he doesn’t notice her wrench out the knife until its too late. He gasps as the knife goes straight through his neck. His eyes widen in disbelief. She slides the knife out and closes her eyes as his blood sprays all over her face. For good measure she presses the knife into his chest, straight through his heart. When he falls on top of her, she immediately pushes his body away. She gasps air. Quickly, she attempts to stand on her wobbly feet and takes the knife out of the boy. Alex is attempting to drive back the ax that is an inch from her neck. 

She screams as the blade pierces her throat. Beads of blood roll down her neck. “I told you bitch- Now I’m going to cut out your throat- then I’ll go kill your girlfriend. Maybe I’ll fuck her before I ARGHH—”

Maya screams as she stabs Mark in the back. He immediately lets go of Alex and the ax, turns around, and punches Maya. She hits the ground with the painful thud. “YOU FUCKING B—”

“I think we’ve heard enough from you.” With that, Alex slides her sword through his back. It makes a squishy sound as it makes its way through his chest. He drops dead. 

The canon booms three times. 

Alex runs to where Maya lies on the floor and grabs her face. “Holy shit, Maya are you fucking okay? Oh god I—” She inspects her wound and breathes a sound of relief. “He didn’t damage any major arteries- fucker had really poor aim.” She laughs in relief as she brings Maya in for a hug. Maya closes her eyes and relishes the contact. 

Murderer! Monster!

I saved Alex.

Maya grabs Alex’s face and brings her in for a deep kiss. She is all too happy to be of service and responds eagerly. Even when they break their kiss, they continue to hold on to one another.

“I had to kill him Alex.” She feels she has to explain herself to her- to Panem- to her mother. “If I didn’t kill him he would have killed me and Mark would have killed you!” Am I still a monster if I saved her mom? 

“You did what you had to Maya- what we all have to do. You acted in self defense- that’s all.” She tears a part of her shirt and ties the wound and tightly and she can. “Can you put any weight on your leg?” 

“A-A little- I’ll be okay, I think. Just help me up.” Alex takes her by the hands and heaves her up. She stumbles a bit but eventually finds her balance.

Monster

It was worth it. I saved Alex.

Alex sees them first. She pushes Maya out of the way; she screams as she trips over her injured leg. She turns just in time to see three arrows impale Alex through the chest. She makes the noise of a wounded animal and looks down at the blood dripping from her chest to the floor. She looks towards Maya in shock and when she attempts to speak, blood spills from her mouth.

Maya can only look in dazed horror, unable to comprehend what her eyes are showing her. A fourth arrow pierces her in the neck. Maya knows that she’s dead before she hits the floor.

Maya cannot breathe, can barely move. It didn’t happen. No. It couldn’t have. She looks into Alex’s dull eyes and cannot, will not, accept it. “Alex?” she says weakly. Please answer. Look at me and tell me this is a joke. She doesn’t answer- she stares motionless behind Maya’s shoulder, not seeing it.

Please don’t leave me Alex. But she’s gone. Dead.

NONONONONONONO!

Another arrow flies, this time towards Maya. She doesn’t even feel it sink into her leg. She stares at the arrow; new blood is slowly oozing down her leg. She roughly takes it out and inspects it. This small stupid stick killed Alexandra Barkov. She snaps it in half. 

A fury she has never felt before, an all-consuming madness, overcomes her. She gets up (her wounds don’t hurt anymore. Nothing hurts anymore) and calmly picks up a large dull rock.

She goes hunting.

()()()

She takes them one by one. They don’t see her coming. 

()()()

She tackles the boy to the ground. He is dehydrated and exhausted. He doesn’t even have the chance to scream before she bashes his head in with the stone. 

()()()

She doesn’t even remember slicing the little girl’s throat with her own knife.

()()()

She finds the last boy hiding near a tall bush. He screams as she jumps on him from behind. He fights back, desperate to get away. He was the leader of their little group- the one who shot the arrows. She takes his pocketknife from him and cuts the heels of both his feet. He screams in agony as he attempts to crawl away.

She takes one of his arrows and stares at it before saying quietly, “She was suppose to win.” He stares at her with terrified eyes and she plunges the arrow into the boy’s chest. He screams. 

She doesn’t stop. Her fury is raw and all consuming. Again and again she plunges the arrow into the boys body. She continues to stab the boy long after his death.

She doesn’t hear the canon this time. She doesn’t hear the Gamemaker proclaim her the victor of the 71st Hunger Games. 

Her cheeks are wet and when she brings her bloodied hand to them, she sees tears. She sees the boys’ mutilated body and drops the arrow. She pushes herself away from the mess of blood, bones and meat and screams. She screams until she thinks her throat will break with exertion. 

“Oh god no I- she-oh my god” She covers her mouth with her hands. She did this. Oh god she did this. 

MONSTER MONSTER MONSTER

“I’M SORRY! I’M SO SORRY!” She doesn’t know to whom she’s apologizing to. 

MONSTER! YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE!

“I’M SORRY!” It was all for nothing. Alex is dead. She’s not supposed to be alive. She’s sorry. She’s a monster. She rakes her nails down her face, not even feeling the pain.

Somebody grabs her shoulder and she lashes out. She tries to scratch, to bite, anything to get free.

“No, Alex was supposed to win! Let me go, no! I’m supposed to die!” She doesn’t feel the needle pierce her shoulder. But everything becomes blurry. She can’t suppress the sudden wave of exhaustion that presses against her. She closes her eyes and allows herself to be submerged in blackness. 

Maya Madsen is sixteen years old when she wins the 71st Hunger Games. 

Maya Madsen is also sixteen years old when her spirit cracks.

()()()

Most of the time Maya is completely unresponsive to the doctors who try to fix her. Occasionally, she lashes out. When one doctor attempts to take of the makeshift bandage from her thigh, she screams and manages to scratch his face. “It was hers!” 

They sedate her after that.

()()()

A week later Caesar interviews her a second time. He looks saddened. Oh, right. All of Panem watched their little “romance,” as they put it. Probably why they woke up to the parachutes full of food. 

“Please accept our deepest apologies my dear.” Maya looks at Caesar and numbly nods. She feels wilted. The dress they have her wear doesn’t fit properly; it hangs loosely and awkwardly. 

“Did you and Miss Barkov know each other?” She shakes her head. How could they have? The districts aren’t allowed to mingle together. They don’t show her any footage of the games. She is grateful for this.

Caesar takes her cold hands in his and squeezes it. She wants to pull away. “You must have loved her in the short time you were together.” 

Love. She must have loved her if she feels this way now- like she’s falling through a crack in the ground and is unable to push herself up. Perhaps she doesn’t want to.

“Alexandra was... my only friend in this place,” she says desolately. Yes, I loved her. God I loved her.

Half the audience is in tears and the other half looks close to tears. She doesn’t care. If they truly cared about Alexandra Barkov, the Hunger Games wouldn’t exist. She doesn’t say anything, however. She puts her head down and holds in her tears.

These people don’t deserve my tears.

“Well we all wish you a speedy recovery Maya.” She nods, remembers to wave, and quickly leaves through the side of the stage.

()()()

When Maya steps off the train that brings her back to District Five, nobody is there to greet her.

She doesn’t expect anybody to.

()()()

Her mother refuses to see her. She finds that she doesn’t really care. 

She forbids her brothers from seeing her. That hurts.

()()()

Victor’s village is lonely and gloomy. The house is enormous- far too large for just one occupant. 

The first night inside her new house, she gets drunk. 

()()()

She doesn’t have to work in the factory anymore. She has money now. Lots of it. So what does she do with her time? She sleeps.

She has nightmares every night. She dreams about the little girl with large eyes whose throat she slices open.

The little boy who can’t scream while she continuously bashes his head open with a rock.

The fury and satisfaction she feels when she stabs the boy with his own arrows.

She wakes up screaming.

I’m sorry!

Monster!

She gets drunk.

()()()

She doesn’t dare think about Alex. The pain is too much to bear.

()()()

She sees her mother for the first time since her return three weeks ago at the small shopping center in the middle of the district. 

Her mother glares at her and tightens her hold on her two sons. Saren and Ronan give tiny smiles before they look away from her.

Maya looks away too. A crowd is starting to form- it seems everybody knows of the deteriorated relationship between her and her family. They look curiously at their winner; some give her pitying looks. Others glare. 

Her mother bends down and whispers something in their ears. They nod and begin to move away from them. Ronan anxiously turns around and gives a small wave. Maya tries to smile (her lips feel as if they are tearing) and waves back. 

Her mother steps up to her and blocks them from her vision. This close, she can see the small differences in her mother since she last saw her. Her hair is almost white now. Her skin is old and wrinkled. Her mother’s graceful beauty is gone.

“Stay away from us. You are no longer welcome in our house. You’re a monster!” she hisses. With that she turns away and leaves the same way her brothers did. Maya puts down the basket of food and walks away. The crowds’ gaze follows her. 

She wishes she were dead.

()()()

A week later is the Victory Tour. She doesn’t think she can handle it.

()()()

Her prep team readies her for the Tour. They try to make her as appealing as they can. They admonish her for not taking better care of herself. Fuck you.

()()()

District Twelve goes as well as can be expected. She remembers a dark haired girl. She stares at her with sharp brown eyes. She doesn’t look as famished as the rest of the people in twelve. Good. She must be doing something right.

District 11 is difficult- the little girl and boy are from there. She doesn’t even know their names. She doesn’t look at their families. She thinks’ she’ll start screaming.

Monster.

Districts 10, 9, and 8 pass in a blur.

District 7 is even more difficult. The boy with the arrows is from seven. The boy’s mother interrupts her speech. She yells at her, calling her a sadistic murderer. When her husband tries to pull her away, she spits at Maya’s feet.

Maya spends that night throwing up in the bathroom. Her mother is right. She is a monster.

District 6 is not that bad. She didn’t kill anybody from there. It’s a relief. 

They skip her district for last and go straight to four. She doesn’t sleep. She sits in the corner of the room and rocks herself all night. She doesn’t care for the tears that drop from her cheeks and to the floor.

()()()

Alex wasn’t kidding when she said how beautiful the district was. The grass embraces the suns rays and grows tall and green. She takes a deep breath and can smell the nearby sea. She already feels more at ease. 

She looks down at the people before she starts her speech. Most of them have blonde hair and blue eyes like Alex. She sees Alex’s family on an elevated stage and makes herself meet their faces. Her mother is clutching at her husbands shirt- her pale skin is a contrast to her very red eyes. The father is trying to be strong. He has no tears in his eyes.

Maya takes a deep breath and decides to address the male tributes mourning family first. “I, uh…I didn’t know Thomas very well but I’m sure he was good person. I thought he was pretty funny during his interview.” Maya tries to ignore the way his mother wails in grief. She squares her shoulders and turns towards Alex’s mom and dad.

“Alexandra… she was my best friend in the short time we were together. She decided to team up with me even though I was a lost cause. I would have died the first day if it weren’t for her. You trained her very well.” She gulps and tries to keep her breathing steady. “Your daughter was a courageous girl… who b-believed that e-everybody deserved a chance to l-live. She loved you both very much. I loved her v-very m-much.”

()()()

She doesn’t think she has seen so much fish prepared in so many different ways. She wonders which way Alex preferred hers.

Mrs. Barkov sits besides her unexpectedly. Maya fears that she is hear to yell at her, to blame her for her daughter’s death. Instead, she says, “What Alex said to you is…t-true. I couldn’t stand to look at her after the death of Sonya.” Maya wonders why she is telling her this. “But I never wanted this. Oh God never. I loved Alexandra. And the fact that she walked into that arena thinking I hated her… oh my God Alex, my sweet Alex…” Maya takes Mrs. Barkov in her arms the same way she took Alex as she begins to weep.

“She loved you Mrs. Barkov. She loved all of you very much.” I’m so sorry.

Before Maya gets on the train that will take her to three, Mrs. Barkov envelops her in a hug. “Thank you Maya.”

()()()

She hates districts 3, 2 and 1.

()()()

She hates the Capital even more, she realizes. The party is grand and luxurious. It’s overwhelming to see so many people in different colors, shapes and sizes, to see all different types of foods and delicacies.

She wants to leave. Random people come up and congratulate her on her victory. She is forced to smile and thank them. Some idiots ask if she feels better. She wants to throw her drink in their faces. Others stare at her with hungry eyes, their lips curling into smiles. Her skin crawls when she’s near those people.

The multiple lights and fireworks blind her. She has to cover her eyes with her hands. It’s too bright and the music hurts her ears. She feels more and more dizzy with each dance.

Eventually, two peacekeepers ask her to follow them. She does as she’s told and follows them out the house and into the gardens where they leave her. What the hell—

“Ah, Miss Madsen. So glad you can join me.” Maya whirls around and holy shit—she most definitely does not expect to see President Snow reading a book on a bench. He puts the book down and gives her his most undivided attention. She tries to hide how her entire form is trembling.

He gets up and beckons her to follow him deeper into the gardens. She has the urge to turn around and run far away. It feels as if he is leading her to her death. Stiffly, she follows him, knowing she is going to regret it. 

He doesn’t speak for a while. She begins to feel anxious. What did she do wrong? When he begins to speak in a soft velvety voice, she almost fails to repress the shivers that run down her bare back. 

“You don’t have to fear me Miss Madsen. If I wanted you dead, you’d have been dead a long time ago. I just want to talk to you.” 

“…What is it you want to talk to me about?” She’s going to regret that question.

Snow chuckles quietly and abruptly bends down and picks a white rose from a bush. “Beautiful aren’t they? Roses are my favorite flowers. Beautiful and deadly at the same time.” He sniffs the rose and hands it to her. Maya takes it slowly and sniffs it.

The smell of blood almost makes her throw up.

“Every tribute who becomes a victor owes the Capital. You didn’t think you were excluded from that did you Miss Madsen? It is because I wanted you alive that you are standing here before me. Do not think for even a second that Mrs. Barkov saved you in the arena. I could have had you killed if I really wanted to. A simple order, really. It turns out, however, that you are… desired.

Maya stares at Snow in shock. She can’t begin to understand what he is telling her. “…What?”  
Snow sighs. “Don’t feign ignorance Mrs. Madsen- you know very well what I am talking about. People have expressed their desires to make you theirs. You’ll meet your first client tomo—”

“No,” Maya snarls. For the first time in weeks she anger course through her. She wouldn’t be the Capitals personal whore. She wouldn’t. Snow smiles widely and turns away from her. Maya glares at his back and wishes he would fall dead. 

“Do you love your family Miss Madsen?” Maya freezes where she stands. “It would be a shame if… something were to happen to them. Wouldn’t you agree? They do work in terrible conditions after all…” Maya stares at Snow in shock. Her limbs shake not with fear this time, but with fury.

“If you hurt them I swear I’ll—”

“You’ll what? I’m sorry my dear, but I’m afraid you’re quite powerless in this situation. No harm will befall them as long as you do as I say.” 

Maya whirls away and tries to control her breathing. She failed to save Alex. She cannot fail her brothers. They need her. But she cannot imagine selling her body to these people.

“Have we come to an understanding Mrs. Madsen?” Maya nods, not trusting herself to speak at the moment. The boy from District Three might as well have had his way with her.

“Good. You’ll meet your first client tomorrow. There will be guards at your apartment to escort you.” No escape.

“Know that this is a private matter. I shall know if you tell anybody of our… arrangement. Have a pleasant evening Miss Madsen.” With that Snow takes his leave. Maya stays where she is and attempts to understand what she must do tomorrow.

“Oh, and Maya? Have a happy birthday tomorrow.” She vomits on the ground. When she is finished, she finds the same two peacekeepers waiting to bring her back to the party. As they take her back, she notes bitterly that if it were only her mother’s life on the line, she wouldn’t have sold her soul to the devil.

A monster and a whore.

()()()

Maya Madsen is seventeen years old when she is raped for the first time.

It’s rough and violent. He likes to hear her scream. She fights him. This turns him on even more. When he thrusts into her, she cries. She punches against his back and begs him to stop. He laughs and punches her in the face. 

When he comes inside her, she thinks it’s finally over. But he just turns her over and fucks her again. He holds her hands tightly in one hand and uses the other to hold her still. When he enters her again, she thinks this pain is even more unbearable. She feels as if she is being torn into two separate pieces. He laughs at her agony.

He fucks her again and again and again. Multiple ways. When morning comes, she is unable to move. Blood and come cover every inch of her naked body. Her whole body is bruised. 

She’s beaten and broken. This is her life now. If Alex could see her now she would be disgusted.

()()()

The man roughly thrusts his cock inside her mouth. One hand grips her mouth in a bruising grip and the other pulls her hair. “I saw you with that other cunt during the games. I was hoping she would win you know. I wanted her little mouth around my cock!” Maya doesn’t register what she does. But the man squeals with pain and pushes her away. 

Maya spits blood out of her mouth just as the guards come barging in. “THE BITCH BIT ME!”  
The guards apologize and compensate him for his troubles. They take Maya back to Snow.

“I’m disappointed in you Mrs. Madsen. Perhaps you’re too stupid to remember whose lives are on the line?” She glares at him. Snow signals something at one of the peacekeepers. Abruptly she is smacked. She tries to hide her wince as his hand connects with her used mouth. “Do you remember our agreement?”

“Yes sir.” Snow’s lips curl into a sneer. “Good. You’ll be leaving the Capital tomorrow. You’ll be back in two weeks time. Now get out.” Maya is surprised by the news. She expected to be punished severely. Before she can say anything, the peacekeepers lead her out of the mansion and to the train that will bring her back to five.

()()()

Maya knows something is wrong the moment she steps out of the train. Something is… off. She walks quickly to the square. With every step, her heart sinks even more. The smell of ash and smoke burns her nostrils. 

No. Oh no.

She runs to the factory near her old house, the factory her mother and brothers work in. The closer she gets, the stronger the smell becomes. She retches twice. Please no. Please let me be wrong. She isn’t. The explosion destroyed a quarter of the factory. Forty people are dead. 

Saren is one of them. 

()()()

Her mother refuses to let her attend the funeral. 

()()()

She visits his grave two days later. She is horrified to see a white rose laid atop his tombstone. She crushes it in her hands and collapses to the ground. She stays there the entire day and weeps.

()()()

When she returns to the Capital, Snow smiles at her. He’s wearing a white rose in his breast pocket. She smiles back. You win. I’ll do whatever you want. His teeth glisten in the sun.

Maya Madsen is seventeen years old when her spirit completely shatters.

()()()

She smiles widely for her clients and beckons them to her bed.

()()()

Fucking every possible man and woman is Maya’s life for the next three years. People love her. She is an amazing lover, now that she has been tamed. She doesn’t cry anymore. She’s forgotten how too. She no longer feels ashamed. How can she?

Her little crush on Finnick Odair is long gone, now that she understands his personal nightmare. No longer does she see a man who spreads his legs willingly for the Capital elite. No, she sees him for what he really is: used and broken, just like her- waiting for this nightmare to finally end and wallowing in grief when no end can be seen. 

He’s there for her, always. She’s grateful to him. He’s the only friend she has in this hell. He’s there when she wakes up from nightmares about a girl’s slit throat, a boy’s smashed in head, the boy with the arrows…

He sometimes takes care of her when she becomes too drunk. She laughs when he tries to tell her she’s not a monster.

(“Silly Finnick, of course I’m a monster!”)

Maya is hardly home anymore- the Capital provides her with a beautiful apartment, where she can be in close proximity to her “lovers.” When she is home, she spends her time in bed, contemplating all the various ways she could end her life. Alex would hate the person she’s become. She broke her promise to never change. 

Three years. Three fucking years. She wonders how Finnick has put up with this all these years. He’s been in this situation longer than she has. When she asks him one night, he smiles. “I have someone waiting for me at home.” Maya gulps down her drink and looks away.

She has nobody waiting for her when she gets home. Just a cold and empty house. Finnick takes her hand and squeezes it. She knows he understands.

()()()

Maya watches the 74th Hunger Games. She feels only relief when her female tribute dies from eating nightlock. She was clever and really, really sneaky. It was that trait that killed her in the end. Maya thinks that it may be for the best. She was beautiful. She would have been forced to become what she and Finnick are. 

Sluts. Whores. No, its better that she’s dead. Her mother was right on that account.

She remembers the dark haired girl from District Twelve. She thinks she’s brave to volunteer for her sister. 

Katniss Everdeen is her name. 

When the Gamemaker announces that there could be two victors, she calls bullshit. The Capital isn’t generous like that.

She hates when she’s right. Finnick and her stare at the screen, accepting the fact that either Katniss or Peeta is going to die.

The girl does something neither of them expects, however. Maya’s eyes furrow in confusion when she sees the nightlock berries. 

Then she smiles. Well I’ll be damned.

For the first time in history, Panem celebrates two Victors. For the first time in years, Maya feels a twinge of hope.

()()()

She’s back in District Five a couple of months after the games when she runs into Ronan. They both fall into a heap on the floor and stare at each other. 

Maya is shocked to find how much he’s grown in the past three years. The long wavy brown hair that he’s always admired is now gone, a buzz cut in its place. She finds that she’s sad to see it go even though when they were younger she begged him to get it cut. He’s gotten leaner then the last time since she saw him (she doesn’t remember when that was). His hands are full of calluses, which means that he’s still working in the factory (which they fixed eventually).

She looks into his eyes and feels her heart break again at the sight of them staring dully back at her. Losing Saren hit him hard and Maya isn’t sure he ever recovered. She wants to strangle her mother for not letting her comfort Ronan just as much as she wants to cut Snow into pieces, who murdered him in the first place.

Ronan immediately snaps his eyes to the ground and begins to pick up the things he dropped. Maya lets her eyes drop as well. Shame floods through her for the first time in a while. She wonders if he knows about what exactly she does in the Capital. She hopes he doesn’t.

She dares to ease her hand on top of his. He freezes under her touch and she wonders if she made a mistake. She doesn’t move, however. She misses him so much.

“Ronan? Are you alright?” she asks quietly. It’s a stupid question she knows. He isn’t alright. His brother is dead, and if the rumors she’s heard concerning their mother are true, then he is most definitely not okay. 

He snaps his head to her and nods quickly. His eyes speak the truth, however. He’s dying inside and she cant do anything about it. Still she smiles and grips his hand more tightly. She thinks she imagines how his grip tightens in return. I’m here Ronan. I’m here.

She helps him pack the items he dropped (medication she notices) and even goes as far to ask if she can walk him home. I miss you Ronan. 

“You can’t Maya- she’ll see you.” Ah. Maya nods and tries not to let her mounting disappointment show. Ronan lets out a small sad smile before he quickly leaves.

She hates her mother more than the President.

()()()

“On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the capital, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors.”

Maya stares at her television screen with wide eyes. Her heart begins to race with adrenaline. She closes her eyes and presses the palm of her hands into them. She can’t go back in the arena. She just can’t. 

Alex isn’t here to save you.

MONSTER!!!

“NO!” She throws her empty glass at the television as hard as she can. It shatters the screen into a million pieces. She doesn’t register that she’s a trembling mess on the floor. 

She wants to cry. But her eyes are dry.

()()()

In the capital, Finnick embraces her. He takes her somewhere private, a room she’s never seen before. 

He tells her about the Rebellion. About District Thirteen. He tells her how Katniss Everdeen’s survival in the Quell is their number one objective. Maya asks why. He gives her an honest smile.

“She’s our Mockingjay,” he responds simply. The Mockingjay. The symbol of rebellion against the Capital. Against Snow. 

Maya smiles back at Finnick. The hope she felt when Katniss and Peeta were both declared victors comes back full blast. 

“Are you in?”

Monster.

“Yeah, I’m in.”

Not a monster. A savior. She has a purpose again. She is going to aid the Rebellion. She’ll help protect Katniss Everdeen. She wants to imagine that Alex would be proud of her decision. 

()()()

“Maya Madsen.”

Maya calmly walks up to the platform. She sees Ronan staring up at her in horror. Her mother isn’t here to see the reaping. She’s too “sick” to be moved from her bed. Maya takes a deep breath and imagines the ocean.

I’ll make you proud Alex, I promise. 

()()()

Maya meets Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark before the chariot ride. Peeta smiles at her and grips her hand strongly. Katniss is much more cautious.

Before stepping on her chariot with her partner, she smirks at Katniss and complements her dress. Cinna did a marvelous job. Katniss smiles tightly in response. 

Maya catches sight of Finnick and he winks at her before he goes to talk their Mockingjay. That should be an interesting conversation. 

()()()

Interviews go as well as she expects. Caesar talks about her last games and brings up Alexandra Barkov. She doesn’t break a sweat as she smiles and tells him that her lovers in the Capital keep her warm at night. The audience erupts in laughter. I’m sorry Alex. She stands next to Finnick who inconspicuously squeezes her hand.

Maya thinks it’s ironic that Katniss is wearing her wedding dress tonight. It fits perfectly with the tense atmosphere. When she twirls, Maya is pleasantly surprised to see the white gown burn away. A coal colored dress with white feathers takes its place.

She almost laughs out loud. Mockingjay indeed.

()()()

She almost smiles when she sees the water filled arena. Alex would have loved this. When the clock hits zero seconds, she dives in and imagines that she’s flying.

She swims to the cornucopia quickly. Finnick gets there before her, of course. Out of the corner of her eye she sees him making quick conversation with Katniss, who has an arrow aimed at his heart. Hopefully he convinces her that he’s on her side. Thanks Haymitch. 

Maya is just about to grab a knife when she feels someone pull her hair and finds herself submerged under water again. The female tribute from ten in top of her as they both sink to the bottom.

Maya’s lungs burn from the lack of oxygen but she ignores the discomfort. She grabs at the girls throat and sinks her nails into her flesh. The girl lets go of her hair and pulls away. Maya immediately swims towards the surface and gasps for breath. She sees the knife and grabs for it just when the girl also comes to the surface. The crescent shaped marks surrounding her neck are bleeding. She quickly turns around to face her and—

MONSTER!

—sinks the knife into the girls chest. She chokes on her blood and sinks to the bottom of the arena, dead. Maya makes herself look away from where the girl sinks. She tries to ignore how she’s now swimming in the girl’s blood. 

Save Katniss and Peeta.

She hauls herself up the Cornucopia and grabs a sword. She’s about to take a backpack when a dagger flies dangerously close to her left ear. It embeds itself in the Cornucopia. She whirls around and sees Enobaria. She smiles wickedly at her, her pointed teeth listening in the sun. Maya takes the dagger and throws it back at her. She doesn’t check to see if she hits her mark as she dives back in the water and swims to land.

She needs to find Finnick, Katniss, Peeta and Mags.

()()()

It doesn’t take Maya too long to find them. She hides behind a tree when she sees the boy from District Ten readying himself to attack. His grip on his sword tightens and Maya can imagine how he wants to impale Katniss straight through the chest.

No.

Slowly, quietly, she eases herself closer to the boy. They don’t even notice him. What the hell was going on? She is a couple of feet behind the boy when she hears Mags gasp, pointing at him frantically.

Katniss and Finnick spin around. Katniss quickly attempts to nock an arrow. Finnick is grabbing his trident, ready to strike the boy. They both would have been too late.

Both of their eyes go wide with shock as a sword springs out of his chest. The boy screams before he falls down. Their eyes snap up to meet Maya’s. Finnick smiles in relief. Katniss, however, narrows her eyes and glares at her.

“You’re welcome,” Maya says to her simply.

“Did Haymitch tell you to team up with us too?” she asks sharply.

“She’s with us Katniss,” Finnick argues before Maya can retort. Katniss looks like she’s about to argue but a moan from Peeta distracts her. 

Finnick moves to sit next to Maya, watching the two “star-crossed lovers” talk. “You okay Maya?” He takes her hand in his warm one and tries to stop it from trembling. She chuckles quietly and shakes her head. Is she okay? She’s in the arena again. Both tributes from ten are added to her ledger. Alex isn’t here to comfort her this time. No, she wants to tell him. I’m not okay.

Monster!

She’ll never get used to taking another persons life. She doesn’t verbalize her thoughts. But Finnick squeezes her hand. She knows he understands.

()()()

Johanna, Beetee and Wiress find them the next day. They are all beaten and worn down. They had just lost Mags in the fog and Maya knows that Finnick is heartbroken over it. She had been his mentor, second mother, and life long companion. She rather liked Mags as well.

()()()

Wiress discovers that the arena is a clock before she is killed by Gloss.

Tick tock.

()()()

Beetee’s plan is to make the beach a live conductor. Everybody caught will be fried to a crisp. They tie wire around the lightning tree and Johanna and Katniss take the rest and run it until it reaches the water.

Should be fun.

()()()

Maya and Finnick see white before they feel the force field collapse. The momentum knocks them both to the ground. Maya closes her hands over her ears as a horrible screeching sound it heard. She tries to speak but finds that she can’t. Her eyes widen. She can’t breathe. She distantly feels Finnick next to her. She can’t hear anything except that terrible screeching noise.

She can’t breathe.

“Oh no you don’t.” Hands are around her throat, choking her. She makes an unidentified noise and attempts to get the boy from two off.

No. It’s not real.

Oh God she can’t fucking breathe!

NO! It’s not real Maya!

“MAYA!” Maya suddenly gasps, taking in huge breaths. Her eyes flutter open and she comes face to face with Finnick Odair. His eyes are wide with fear. She can’t make out what he’s screaming at her even though his face is inches from hers. 

“KATNISS—FORCE FIELD—SUCCEEDED—GO NOW!” She feels him haul her to her feet. She feels to wobbly to take her own weight. They only take a couple of steps when they surrounded by white light.

Shit. The Capital.

Maya let’s her head drop on Finnick’s shoulder and closes her eyes. It doesn’t matter what happens to them as long as they got Katniss and Peeta out. She doesn’t care what happens to her anymore.

She floats away. “I’m coming Alex.”

()()()

She wakes up in a bed. She slowly gets up and looks around suspiciously. Where the hell am I? Where’s Finnick? Maya frantically looks for a weapon and only finds a needle from a cabinet. 

I need to find Finnick. Quickly she opens the door and steps out into the hall.

When she looks inside the room opposite from her, adrenaline and fear course through her. Katniss Everdeen is strapped to the bed.

No. We couldn’t have failed. Not again.

Maya drops the needle and rushes to her side. She attempts to break away the bonds that hold her arms and legs. I can’t fail again. No. It wasn’t for nothing.

Just when she manages to untie the last strap, sirens blare. She immediately hears feet rushing towards them. She grabs her pathetic weapon and aims it at the door. I promised I’d protect you with my life Katniss. 

“Mrs. Madsen, put down the weapon.” She snarls and brings it higher. Three officers block her exit. Two have guns aimed at her. The other is taking small steps towards her. “Stay back.” She’ll kill the son of a bitch who dares come near them.

“Mrs. Madsen, we aren’t the enemy here. You’re pointing that at the wrong people.” She ignores the man’s words.

“If you do not put down your weapon, we will be forced to sedate you,” another officer says. I’d like to see you try you piece of sh—

“Hey! What the hell are you guys doing pointing those guns at her? Let me through!” Maya’s grip on the needle loosens. Finnick?

“Maya! Its okay! We’re safe here!” Her head whips around to see Finnick limping to the front of the group. “We’re in District Thirteen. They got us out! Now put the… er, needle down.”

Maya stares at him, desperate to believe the words that are tumbling out of his mouth. She slowly puts down the needle. She stiffens when they come at her. They are surprisingly gentle as they lead her away from Katniss, who is still sleeping.

Finnick grabs her and hugs her. She hugs him back and looks around. She sees Beetee smiling at her.

Now that she thinks about it, she should have known she wasn’t really at the Capital. This place isn’t extravagant enough. She leans into Finnick’s embrace and closes her eyes, suddenly exhausted.

I did it Alex! We saved her!

Maya’s eyes snap open and she backs away from Finnick. She stares questioningly at him. “Where’s Peeta?” Johanna? The other tributes?

The smile slides off Finnick’s and he looks away. Panic erupts in Maya’s chest. “Finnick?”  
She grabs his chin and forces him to meet her eyes. She sees tears watering in his. They spill down his cheek.

“Finnick, what happened?”

“They—” 

“This isn’t a conversation we should be having here. Mrs. Madsen, if you’ll please follow me, I’ll tell you what you need to know.” Maya glares at Plutarch Heavensbee, ready to take up her weapon and put it through his eye socket. 

Finnick’s grip on her arm stops her. He nods at her encouragingly. Maya takes a deep breath and follows their “Gamekeeper” out of Katniss’ room.

He has a lot of explaining to do.

()()()

Maya thinks Katniss is totally justified in her attack against Haymitch. He deceived Katniss and Peeta both. Now he, along with Johanna, Enobaria and Annie (“Oh Finnick…”) are trapped in the Capital.

She’s totally justified.

()()()

Life in District Thirteen is very controlled. They’re very strict here. Do this. Don’t do that. You’re supposed to be here. Not there. Get to class. Go to sleep. Lights on. Lights off.

Honestly. She had more freedom in the Capital. But she is comforted by the fact that at least here, she isn’t forced to fuck anybody. She hasn’t felt so clean in years.

She’s in Nuclear History class trying not to fall asleep when she feels someone staring at her. She slowly meets the eyes of Gale Hawthorne. He smiles at her. Maya is shocked to feel her cheeks flushing. She hasn’t done that in years. She smiles shyly at him before looking down at her notes.

She ignores the way her heart is beating fast against her chest.

()()()

Finnick is constantly tying knots when Maya visits him. His eyes are brimmed red and her heart breaks for him. He’s yearns for Annie. She grabs his hands in hers and squeezes them. He looks at her for a moment and smiles slightly. 

He knows that she understands.

She takes a piece of rope from besides him and asks him to teach her how to tie them. He is happy to do so.

()()()

Maya is eating breakfast when Gale Hawthorne asks her to come with him. “Is something wrong?” He shakes his head. A lock of brown hair falls into his eyes and Maya suppresses the temptation to place it back behind his ear.

“You’ll see. Its nothing bad I promise.” She looks at him suspiciously before shoving the last bits of turnips into her mouth. She goes with him to the main entrance of District Thirteen. What does he want to show me?

“Maya?” Her head whips to the side and she gasps. Her eyes go wide in shock. “Ronan.” She blinks three times, fearing that he is a hallucination. He looks real. Immediately he runs forward and embraces her younger brother. He feels real. He is trembling as he wraps his arms around her neck. 

She doesn’t even notice that she’s crying.

She can’t speak. She is too choked up with emotion. Her brother is here, safe and sound. He is in her arms. She doesn’t want to let go. She sobs even harder and grips him more tightly. 

He’s crying into her neck. “I’m so sorry Maya. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorr—” 

“Shhh Ronan. There’s nothing to forgive honey. You’re here. You found me. That’s all that matters.” She was so sure that Snow had him killed after she escaped from the arena.

Eventually, she lets go of him slightly to get a better look at him. He is malnourished. He probably hasn’t eaten in days. He is too pale for her liking. She crushes him to her chest once again. She has a new purpose: To revive her brother.

“How did you get out of five?” she manages to say. “I was smuggled out with some others. It was a… long journey.” She nods. She knows there’s more to that story. She hopes that he can tell her in time.

“… And mother?” she asks quietly. She doesn’t even know if she wants to hear the answer. He sighs deeply before he speaks. “She’s dead. After… S-Saren’s f-funeral she went into a catatonic state. When she heard you were going back into the arena, she couldn’t handle it. She was screaming your name the last couple of hours before she died.” Maya closes her eyes. She doesn’t know what to make of that information. Her mother called out for her before she died? What would she have said to her if she were there?

Ronan is the only family she has left. She’s going to make sure they are never separated. “We’re together Ronan. That’s all that matters.”

“I’m sorry Maya. We shouldn’t have listened to mother when she forbid us from visiting you. We should have been there for you. I should have been there for you.”

“There’s nothing to forgive Ronan. We’re together now.” He nods into the crook of her neck and begins to cry again.

Maya looks up when she feels somebody staring at her. Gale Hawthorne is looking at them with a strange expression. When he catches her eyes though, he smiles fondly at them before giving them privacy.

Maya Madsen is 21 years old when her spirit begins to stitch itself back together.

()()()

The next day Maya corners Gale Hawthorne at the end of class and abruptly hugs him.

“Thank you so much,” she says, her voice thick with emotion. After a few minutes of shock, Gale wraps his arms around her too. “You’re welcome,” he whispers.

()()()

She spends most of her time with Ronan. Finnick smiles when he sees them together. 

()()()

A couple of weeks later Katniss agrees to become their Mockingjay as long as they agree to her list. She’s happy that Peeta, Johanna, Enobaria and Annie will be granted immunity. 

President Coin wants Finnick and her to talk about their prostitution on live television. Thinks it will help their cause. She doesn’t know if she wants to do that. She’s still ashamed of that part of her life and she doesn’t want her brother to hear about it. Still, Finnick agrees and this encourages her to as well.

“President Snow used to… sell me…my body, that is,” Finnick begins in a flat, removed tone. “If you refuse, he kills someone you love. So you do it. I wasn’t the only one but I was the most popular.” 

Finnick looks at Maya and nods, encouraging her to continue. She finds it difficult to talk to the camera when she feels everybody staring at them. Katniss looks beyond guilty. Her brother looks horrified. She looks around until she finds Gale’s eyes. They are calm and unwavering. They give her strength.

“President Snow used to sell my body as well. He threatened… to hurt my family if I didn’t comply. My brother, Saren, is dead because I defended myself against one particular client,” Maya spits out furiously. 

She sees tears streaming down Ronan’s cheeks. I’m so sorry Ronan.

()()()

That night, Maya holds her brother close to her as they cry together. They have lost so much.

()()()

She’s eating her turnips for breakfast (again?) when Katniss sits down besides her. “I’m sorry.” Maya turns to look at her with her eyebrows raised in question.

“I haven’t exactly been nice to you. You saved me in the arena and I treated you like dirt. I judged you and Finnick- I thought… you both… chose that type of lifestyle.” Maya laughs darkly. Everybody always does. “Its okay Katniss. No use in wallowing over spilt blood. We’re on the same side.” She smiles (Maya finds that she’s smiling more and more here) at her and continues to eat.

Katniss nods and begins to eat besides her. After a few minutes of silence, she speaks again. “I think Gale likes you.”

Maya chokes on her milk. She feels her cheeks and neck warm up (Common Maya. You’re not 16 years old anymore). “How do you figure that?”

Katniss chuckles loudly. “I see him staring at you. And…” she coughs a little. “he hasn’t really tried anything with me since I came back from the arena.” 

“Do you love Gale?” Katniss looks up at her and sighs. “I love him like a brother. I thought I loved him more than that but…” she trails off. Pain morphs her features and she looks away.

Ah. Peeta. Maya takes Katniss’ hands in hers and squeezes. “We’ll get him back Katniss. I promise.” She nods without looking back at her. She’s silent for a long time before she speaks again.

“I remember watching your games. The Capital broadcasted your relationship with Alexandra Barkov as a tragic love story.” Maya stiffens and it’s her turn to look away. 

“Did you love her?” When Maya doesn’t immediately respond, Katniss backtracks. “I’m sorry- you don’t have to answer if you—”

“Yes.” Talking about Alex doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. She takes a deep breath. “Yes, I loved her. She kept me alive physically and emotionally in the arena. She was a fierce warrior with a huge heart.” Katniss nods, deep in thought.

“She would have liked you a lot Katniss.” Katniss smiles slightly before she asks quietly, “does it still hurt?” Maya chews her food slowly, thinking. 

Of course Alex’s death still hurts her. It probably always will. But Alex gave her a gift when she pushed her out of death’s way. She gave her life. Something she’s learning how to cherish with every passing day. Alex wouldn’t want her to mourn for her for the rest of her life. Her sacrifice would have been for nothing. 

Maya looks around the cafeteria. She catches sight of Gale on the food line and smiles tenderly.  
“It hurts less and less every day.”

()()()

Maya is elated to hear the news that Peeta, Johanna, Enobaria and Annie have been rescued.

()()()

Maya is distressed to hear about Peeta’s condition. She comforts Katniss as best she can.

()()()

She feels her heart burst with happiness when she sees Annie walk down the aisle in her wedding dress. Finnick looks handsome in his black tuxedo. 

She’s happy that they finally found the happiness they deserve. When they kiss, Maya smiles and claps loudly. She looks around and sees Gale smiling at her. She smiles back.

()()()

She’s dancing with Finnick when Gale comes up besides them and asks for a dance. Finnick nods and hands her to Gale. She immediately wraps her arms around his neck as he wraps his around her waist. He holds her close as they begin to dance.

“You look stunning Mrs. Madsen.” She laughs quietly and tries to control her erratic heart. “You can call me Maya.” He hums in agreement. 

“I really admire what you did Maya. You and Finnick were really brave to talk about they forced you to do.” She looks away from him and stares at Finnick embracing Annie. “I didn’t feel so brave up there actually.”

“You still are though. You’re an incredibly strong individual.” She blushes at the complement.

Alex taught me to be strong. 

()()()

When Gale Hawthorne kisses her for the first time, she thinks she will feel guilty. She doesn’t. She feels wondrously whole for the first time since her reaping.

And when he pushes himself inside her that night, it feels right. It’s beautiful and pure.

()()()

Katniss winks at her. Things are looking up for all of them. Even Peeta is showing signs of improvement. 

()()()

President Coin allows Maya to become a member of the Squad that will infiltrate the Capital. She spends that night with Ronan.

She sees that he’s happier her. He’s recovering.

Maya begins to see herself less and less as a monster.

She’s recovering.

()()()

Maya frantically looks down and grabs at Finnick’s arm desperately. “Finnick hold on!” She hears Katniss screaming. Gale grips her arms tightly in his and pushes her up. She fights him as she attempts to get to Finnick. She’s close! Her fingers are just a couple of centimeters from his hands and—

A mutated lizard mutt bites Finnick’s leg and drags him down. “NO! FINNICK!” 

Katniss is screaming. Gale is lifting her up the ladder. She’s reaching down to Finnick. “LET GO OF ME!” 

She hears Finnick screaming in agony. Then silence. She looks down and sees that his head is no longer attached to his body. She is so shocked by the sight of Finnick’s headless body that Gale is able to haul her up easily.

Monster

No. Not me. Snow.

Always Snow.

()()()

In Tigris’ cellar, Gale holds Maya as she cries.

Oh Annie. 

()()()

Maya gets separated from everybody. It feels strange to be back in the Capital. All her problems started here.

()()()

She hears Katniss screaming her sister’s name just before the parachutes explode.

Prim is engulfed in the inferno.

()()()

Maya stares sadly at the burns that cover Katniss. She doesn’t know if the girl will recover from this.

She hasn’t seen Gale since they got separated from everybody. She thinks he should be here with Katniss.

()()()

Where the hell is Gale Hawthorne?

()()()

Even after everything, Maya votes no along with Peeta, Annie and Beetee to force the Capital’s children to fight in the last Hunger Games.

()()()

When Katniss aims her arrow at Coin instead of Snow, she’s not too surprised.

She thought that the bombs that killed Prim and the other children looked similar to Beetee’s designs.

()()()

She manages to punch Snow hard in the face before she crowd pushes her away. When it disperses, President Snow is laying in a pool of his own blood.

()()()

She can’t stay in the Capital anymore. She doesn’t belong in District Thirteen. District Five is no longer her home. She knows of only one place that will bring her peace.

Ronan smiles (his first true smile) and tells her that he will catch up to her soon (she suspects that he’s found someone).

()()()

On the train bound for District Four, Maya embraces Annie. “I’m so sorry about Finnick.” Annie smiles slightly and takes her hand and places it on the belly. Maya’s eyes widen when she feels movement there. She looks up at Annie, whose eyes are sparkling.

“He’s not gone. Not really.”

Maya laughs with joy.

()()()

The rebuilding of District Four has already begun when they arrive. She takes a deep breath and lets the salt-water breeze fill her nostrils again. 

She finally feels at peace.

()()()

She is with Annie when she gives birth to a healthy little boy. He looks so much like Finnick. When Annie places him in Maya’s arms, she hums the lullaby her own mother used to sing to her.

Perhaps she’s learning to forgive.

()()()

She hears that Peeta is finally well enough to go back to twelve. She’s relieved. Katniss needs him. They make each other happy.

She’s confident that in time, they’ll recover.

As for her, she wakes up from nightmares of screaming children less and less every night.

()()()

It turns out that Alex’s parents survived the war. They both embrace her as if she’s their own child. When Maya asks where they held Alex’s pyre, they give her directions to a secluded part of the beach.

()()()

The sand is soft as she walks down to the beach. She slowly makes her way to the waters edge and laughs a little as the cold water touches her bare feet.

She looks up at the sky and takes a deep breath. It’s beautiful here. She can feel Alex’s presence, peaceful and comforting.

She moves deeper into the water, until it’s almost at her thighs. She laughs loudly as she splashes it around. She cups it in her hands and runs it down her hair and face. She brings her feet up and lets herself float. She’s flying.

She feels as if she’s purifying herself.

Eventually she floats to the shore. The feel of soft sand underneath her is a constant comfort. She feels as if she is being embraced.

Maya Madsen is 22 years old when her spirit is finally restored to her.

()()()

She goes there every single day. On one particular day, she finds somebody there waiting for her.

()()()

Gale Hawthorne turns around as he hears Maya approaching him. He doesn’t say anything. Neither does Maya. She expects to feel anger at him for abandoning her. She doesn’t. 

He’s changed. He’s not the confident soldier from District Thirteen. No. His shoulders are hunched in defeat. Maya steps forward and gently takes his face in her hands. He doesn’t resist. He gives a tired smile.

“Hey Maya.” 

As hard as he tries, he cannot hide the guilt that leaks from his eyes. It’s eating him from the inside out. 

She beckons him to sit besides her near the water. The water tickles their toes. “Its very peaceful here. Much better than in two.” Maya nods in agreement. They sit in silence for a couple of minutes before Maya takes his hands in hers. She kisses the palm of each one and then squeezes them.

“Tell me.”

When Gale’s cracked walls begin to crumble, Maya brings him close to her and kisses his soft lips. He tells her everything.

(“You’re just like her Maya- kind, gentle, compassionate. She was a great listener just like you. Always got me to tell her what was wrong and never judged.)

 

End.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: HOLY CRAP. This what the longest story I have ever written. It wasn’t even supposed to be this long. I don’t know what happened. I just kept writing and writing and writing. 44 pages. Holy crap. My fingers hurt LOL
> 
> If you find any mistakes, kindly let me know :)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading.


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